Every Parent Knows This Feeling

If you're a parent ... you've felt it.

Remember that heart-piercing that struck you as your small child walked into his or her very first day of school? You couldn't quite tell if you were happy or sad or if you would laugh or cry. It's beyond words, isn't it?

As a parent, you've been there.

And now we're here -- at least I am. I've been fast-forwarded 13 years from that first day of school to the rapidly-approaching day when Benjamin, my first-born and no-longer-small child, will walk out of his school building after his very last day of school. Benjamin is now Ben, a mature, kind-hearted young man who will soon be 18 and donning his graduation cap. He's a good person. And I couldn't be a prouder poppa.

As Ben's high-school senior year wraps up I've been reflecting on its many moments. I've enjoyed watching it all, even though the aforementioned heart-piercing accompanied many of those moments.

There was the final time drumming with the band on the football field.

We loved the golf season during which we shared many post-round stories about birdies and the dreaded double-bogey.

Oh yes, I have to mention the great basketball season in which Ben, often times the smallest kid on the court, demonstrated a will and desire for the game that I've admired since he started playing.

And, most recently, the final basketball game after which Ben and his six senior teammates shared hugs and tears on the court. Those were hugs and tears that spilled out into the stands among parents.

I think that's when it really hit me. It hit me so hard later that night after the final basketball game. My Benjamin -- I mean, Ben -- is all grown up and he'll soon be forging his own life path. I'm both happy and sad. I'm laughing, and I'm definitely crying.

I decided to write this blog because I knew it would help me sort through my own thoughts and emotions about all of this. Writing always does that for me. But, these words also enable me to let Ben know just how much I've cared about his life and how much I will always care. So here I sit writing, remembering, laughing ... and crying.

Indeed, I'm proud of my son and all that he's accomplished. I'm also excited for him because of all the the wonderful experiences that await him. College is on the doorstep. New friends will appear. Growth is inevitable, as are the occasional hard-knock life lessons.

In another 13 years I'm sure I'll sit down and write another blog about Ben and his life and our lives and so many things that will happen. I dare not try to project what will occur in the coming years because I learned long ago to try to stay in every moment. For the most part, I've been able to do that throughout Ben's life. I didn't want to miss a thing. I didn't, and I'm oh so grateful for that. Truly, it's been a wonderful ride.

I'll close sharing a cherished memory from long ago when Ben was about 3 years old. I left for work early while he was still sleeping. As I backed out of the driveway in my car I looked toward the front door and saw Ben standing in the window crying very hard and waving at me. He had awakened and wanted to hug me goodbye, and he thought he had missed the opportunity. I quickly stopped and ran back into the house for that hug. It made my day. It made my life.

Today, I stand many times watching from my window as Ben pulls out of the driveway. I sometimes shed a tear and wish he'd see me and stop ... and come running back in to give me one more hug before he goes.