Moments and Peace

Long time no see. I’ve been away from this blog for some time, and I’m continuing to use the excuse that I don’t have enough time in my day to spend some of it here. I know that writing, particularly this blog, brings me a great sense of relief and relaxation, a release. It helps me be still, if that’s even possible with me, and brings me to peace. So, here I am again, writing.

As I sit down to begin writing I really have no intention of opining about any theme whatsoever. I’m just going to let the words flow to see what happens. Each sentence is coming from within in the spur of the moment. Nothing planned. No thought beyond this second. My ego wants me to start thinking beyond this second, this sentence, but I’m fighting that urge. The ego wants me to go straight to the last paragraph, to the last sentence, so I can spend time with him and not here, where I am spending time with me, my soul. I’m winning the battle now -- if only for the duration of this blog.

In the past couple of months I’ve been feeling like my insides are going to erupt. This isn’t a feeling of impending doom or a negative implosion of any sort. However, I feel like I’m on the brink of some type of personal growth spurt. I finished up my master’s degree coursework a couple weeks ago and will walk across the stage to get the diploma next month. And, I very recently learned at work that big changes are in store. I’d like to think that those things are part of the reasons for my angst over what I feel inside. But, those are just circumstances, and they will come … and be gone. No, what is inside is bigger than any circumstance. It’s bigger than something that comes and goes. It’s something that I feel will provide me with a lasting peace of mind that we all seek – the eternal kind.

I have spurts of that type of serenity, but then my ego joins the fray and the conflict is on. I know in my heart that to remove enemies from my life translates directly into the removal of anxiety, so why do I continue to let Mr. E back into my circle so regularly? Perhaps it’s because I trust him and not me. Perhaps it’s because my instincts that were tattered as a child are still frayed and need more mending. Perhaps it’s because I am fearful of letting go because I think the results won’t turn out as I wish.

The irony in that is everything will turn out in a manner in which I have no control. That’s not to say that I can’t be an active participant in my life. But, my job is to do the next right thing and to let the ultimate outcome go. It’s called staying in the moment. The moment that I speak of is gold, baby. When I can get there and stay there my brain soaks me with the natural endorphins that reward me when I am still. Like now, writing this. I am frolicking in that high. It’s like that runner’s high we hear about.

Now, some will argue that staying in the moment and being peaceful and finding serenity is a farce. They point to the rose-colored glasses that are sold in every five-and-dime store, the glasses they claim that peaceful folks place on their face in the morning as soon as they awaken. But, as I noted before, I believe that’s the ego bull-rushing its way into their lives the way it often tries to do so in mine. Get back, jack. No place for you here.

I was recently told to write at least 1,000 words a day no matter how busy I am, and I’m going to do my best to begin heeding that advice. As with this blog, I will have no intention with those words. I will write from my core, my soul. I’ll let the words lead me. I will find happiness in that. The ego won’t like that. But, I will pay him no mention because I’ll be lost, if only for the minutes I spend writing those words, in a sense of peace. I’ll be still. I’ll spend time with me.

I have found that peace right now, in this moment. I’ve just spent the most enjoyable 30 minutes of my day lost in myself writing down these random thoughts. I’m not going to count the words, but I know there are many more than 1,000. I guess anything more than 1,000 brings bonus points/peace. None of these words were planned. None rehearsed. None of the immediate words were looking toward the end result or outcome.  Just me. Word by word. And a fantastic writer’s high.

Peace.