Listening to myself ...

I recently read a friend’s blog http://randomdunbar.blogspot.com/, and it inspired me to jot down some of my own thoughts on a regular basis.

I'm taking on this task mostly to simply listen to myself and to clear the daily cobwebs. When I write and then read my thoughts, it often helps me to better understand exactly what’s going on inside the brain that never sleeps. Perhaps, too, someone just might find a bit of inspiration in my reflections. Another might see himself or herself in me and realize that he or she is not as alone as once thought.

My friend spoke in his blog of how he has evolved as a person over the years, and how the man he once was is now but a memory. I find this topic to be one of the most interesting aspects of life—how we change and evolve into new beings over time. 

I always thought I was changing as I aged. But, those thoughts were passing ones. About four years ago, however, I experienced something dramatic that has changed me forever. I swallowed a good dose of pain and it took me to my fearful core. Which, quite ironically, is precisely where I now know I needed to be--at that core.

There, so deep inside, was a person I ran from for too many years. He made his way to the forefront and said, "Here I am. Deal with me!" Not an easy task. But, I managed to look directly into that boy's blue eyes and figure him out, if only somewhat. 

I saw a fearful young child trying to overcome a distant past framed by turmoil. I saw a terribly confused teen who felt betrayed by the world that wouldn't help him find his way. I saw a rebellious young man who was too rambunctious for all the wrong reasons. I saw all of those people, felt them all profoundly.

I can't fully explain what happened after that, but there was a rapid and distinct movement, a "change"--imagine that. Acceptance. That once fearful core had so suddenly evolved into one of peace. It now embraced me, held me tight, soothed me, and gently said, "It's OK. Go do something good." Literally amazing. Such overwhelming relief, spiritual to say the least.

Today, as a result, I am the greatest "me" I have ever been. Oh how I know I have changed. Not perfect by any means, but more compassionate, caring, unselfish and humble than ever. It feels good. It feels rewarding. 

The excitement of this evolution is tangible. But, I can't stay in and rely on this moment to carry me on. It, too, will pass. The difference for me today is I am not afraid of what awaits in the future--of the person I will become because of my past.