The photos.
The tributes.
The oft-fond remembrances.
Pasted all over social media as a sharp reminder of a childhood — a lifetime actually — void of what I always wanted but never had. And never will.
I learned no life lessons from a father with whom I didn’t have a single moment to sit and chat with after a long day. And I certainly received no loving guidance from a stepfather whose menace I wish I’d never seen in the middle of the night.
That lack devastated me way back when, and it sometimes still pains me today. The sudden pinches of fear that occasionally grip me are quick to remind me that the body definitely keeps the score. And the soul pays the price.
I am not without fault in my transgressions in the time I’ve spent on this earth. I’ve made choices and mistakes that I wish I could undo and erase with the snap of my fingers. And I don’t blame any of those missteps on the things that happened to me or didn’t happen for me growing up. But I do know that the absence of a loving and mirroring father wreaked havoc with my heart and consequently my life. I accept that.
As such I am not without a taste of grief over a fatherless existence, especially on a day like this one. Contrarily, I also most certainly have a heart full of joy and appreciation for the life I do have today as a Father, especially on a day like this one.
Lack and pain are strange companions. They bring with them a depression that will either break you or make you. Mine made me. At least in the journey called Fatherhood.
And so today, Father’s Day 2021, I celebrate being a Dad, and I celebrate my three sons.
I celebrate that I’ve not once laid a harmful hand on any one of them.
I celebrate that they have a deeply embedded confidence and security that I helped instill with my profound love for them.
I celebrate that they love me and care for me the same way I do for them.
