The holiday season is always a time of deep reflection for me. That being the case, it's also one of the most emotional times of the year. I don't often let myself dive too deeply into these waters, but I know it's good for my soul to do so now and then. I end up laughing, and I end up crying (not at all ashamed to admit that) when I ponder the joy and happiness I've been blessed with and the pain and sadness I've endured. It's the book of my life, and I gratefully accept it all.
I could write many separate blogs about the chapters in that book, but that could take years and cost millions of lives (so also sayeth Otter, in Animal House for you fellow AH lovers). So, for the purpose of this blog, I'm going to touch on just a few very sharp points that have always jabbed at me, more so during this time of the year and the sentimentality associated with the season. Hopefully there's a dab of entertainment and a dribble of "Hmmm" in them.
I'm not putting these thoughts on paper for applause or pity. No, I pen these thoughts exclusively for my own sake, to help me more appreciate the good and to better accept the not-so-good. I don't often sit down and discuss these things with anyone face-to-face. So, this blog also provides a sounding board through which--if only one other person reads this--I can officially share a piece of myself with another, and that is always beneficial.
Yep, the "stuff" I'm about to mention has shaped me into the man I am today and I'm pretty good with me right now. I'm not perfect--don't want to be. But, I'm in a place in my life where I make humility a priority, where I know I'm happier when I think about others before myself, and where my zeal for and awareness of life is at an all-time high. I am definitely alert.
Oh, how I love this place, but I remain cautious. You see, I want others to be able to get here, too, and in that desire I find myself judging and criticizing many who seem to be wallowing and can't quite make it. So, I tread as lightly as possible so I don't sink back into that mire.
OK, OK, enough of that. Let me now get into some of those lingering thoughts from the aforementioned book of my life. Consider this the CliffsNotes version. Some day, perhaps, I'll write the actual book.
One: I literally get sick to my stomach when I read about, see or meet someone who is struggling to put food on the table for his/her family. Growing up, there was no silver spoon in my mouth. Contrarily, I've eaten meals made from items received at church food pantries and through government assistance (aka Food Stamps, back in the day). Come to think of it, I thought those giant blocks of "government cheese" were pretty tasty. Times weren't always completely lean, but there were periods when it just plain sucked. That sick-stomach feeling I mentioned worsens tenfold during this holiday season. I can barely read print articles or watch television news stories about those who suffer through the holidays. It shakes me to my core. God bless the needy.
Two: My stepdad was a mean, drunken SOB. One of the very first emotions I had in my life was fear. Fear of him, and fear of his wrath. Children need love--they should not be the enemy. He didn't provide love and I still feel that void today. But, I use it to my advantage. I use it as motivation to help me remember the importance of offering kindness whenever possible, especially to children. You never know what the circumstances of a child's life might be, especially behind the doors of his or her home. I can at the very least let children know that I care. Because, I do! All this being said, I don't hate my stepdad. I don't wish evil upon him. I feel sorry for him. Through all that mess, I had and still have so much love to give, and he missed out on that. I would not want that existence. As with point One above, the holiday season always kicks the thought of my stepdad into a higher gear. I hope he has a tree. I hope he gets presents. I hope one of those presents is hope. That would be a start toward his own peace.
Three: My children enable me to see the face of my God. I know, I know, the subject of God makes some people uncomfortable. Not me. My mind, as noted in previous blogs, is a literal speeding roller coaster--restless at times, to say the least. God is someone/something that has escaped my full understanding my entire life, and I don't like that at all. It's that wily beast named The Ego trying to surface. Mr. E thinks he knows it all! One thing I do know deep down inside, however, is that I'm not meant to fully understand. That's what faith is for, to let the mind rest knowing that all is well and all will be well. Back to the face of God ... I firmly believe that God has manifested himself/herself/itself in my children. We've all heard the saying, "God is Love." My children fill me with love and a happiness and a feeling of ecstasy that nothing in this world can equal. As with the previous two points, during the holiday season my appreciation for that love and happiness is greatly magnified. Drops me to my knees, literally. It's gotta be God. Gotta be.
Four: I start each day with "Please." I end each day with "Thank You." For too long, I welcomed only the good days and shunned the bad times. But, I now know better. Some days, like the long-gone days of eating government cheese ... grrr. Some days, like the ones that include a thousand smiles and the non-judgemental and unwavering affection from my children ... ahhh! They all shape me. I have to feel it all. Experience it all. Process it all. This holiday season, I place special emphasis on the "please," so that I may always welcome joy and sadness each day. I place special emphasis on the "thank you" so that I am sure to fully express thanks to God, to others, to the good, the bad, the happy and the sad--the many things that help fill me with empathy. Oh, one more quick thing ... I say the please and the thanks while I'm on my knees. My Gram taught me to do that. Such a simple gesture that lends even more humility to the process.
I think that's enough for now. Fear not, there are plenty more emotional and insightful tidbits where these came from. But, that's another blog, or perhaps a book. The book of my life. And I freaking love it.
OK, now time to cry. But it's all good.
